


Numb

by plainboxes



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-22
Updated: 2017-02-22
Packaged: 2018-09-26 06:14:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9871049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plainboxes/pseuds/plainboxes
Summary: The two times Alec seeks Magnus' warmth, because he can't forgive himself over causing Jocelyn's death.





	

**Author's Note:**

> the latest episode killed me inside because Alec tried to commit suicide. If anyone is possibly triggered by mentions of blood, self-blame or suicide, please do not read this work!!!

He's always been living the way he should.

It's more like surviving, really. Living for the sake of living. Sometimes Alec wonders what he should do with his life, because he feels like a robot, for lack of a better description.

Everything is smooth-sailing.

He is born as a Lightwood. Prestigious.

He trains hard enough and gets his rune ceremony, where everyone fawns over the eldest son of the Lightwood family. Honour.

He gets a Parabatai. He gets a life partner to fight hand-in-hand with.

He does what he has to, for a life he vaguely enjoys.

It's the littlest things in life, they say, that matter the most. His job as a Shadowhunter is joyless.

Once upon a time, he used to wonder about Downworlders. Why were they being hunted down? Why were they discriminated against? Why? Were they not beings of the world, just as vulnerable, just as alive as Shadowhunters were?

But missions kill everything. They come one after another without rest, and Alec starts to devalue their lives.

Is that how someone should live? Giving less meaning to other living beings just because of how different they are from Shadowhunters?

Then again, he's been killing all of the ones that have been harming others. He knows, logically, that they are at fault. But after killing so many of them, some part of him starts assuming they are all the same. He hasn't met a decent-enough Downworlder as of yet.

His life is simple. He is doing as he should. He has been following his orders. He is a soldier.

The night he kills Jocelyn, Alec doesn't even know how to react.

There is no reaction, in all honesty. When it happens, after a blackout in his memory, he comes to seeing blood on his hands, Jocelyn on the ground.

Valentine's ex-lover, on the ground. Clary Fairchild's mother. Jace's mother.

He can't say anything. He can't even feel anything but a sort of numbness. The worst part of it? Not even remembering anything at all, when the blood is on his hands, the proof right in front of him.

His eyes see nothing else but the scarlet staining his fingertips, his palm, the wide-eyed look on the corpse before him. His heart isn't even beating faster or louder.

It's just silence, as his mind attempts at comprehending the situation.

The redness is startling. The blood was still dripping from his fingers moments before, but now they're starting to dry a little. That's all Alec can focus on.

He's used to disintegration, after his arrow strikes deep into a Downworlder. He's used to blood on his friends' wounds, after intense fights or sparring sessions.

But never, never has he seen blood drawn from taking a person's life, his own doing and yet with no memory of it happening.

He starts to feel something. A queasiness in his stomach, the unease, the guilt, the regret starting to take shape.

He can't move. He doesn't understand.

The guilt is beginning to set in, while at the same time remains so distant.

A part of him is telling him this isn't his fault. He was controlled by a demon. The demon is at fault.

But the other part is pulling him by the collar, hands on his throat, squeezing tightly. Reminding him that his body is his own. He shouldn't have let his guard down. It is all his fault that another Shadowhunter has died. It's all his fault. He can't get away from this.

The worst is seeing the wide-eyed horror he gets from Clary when she sees them.

He's a monster. He let this happen. He killed someone innocent, and removed all opportunities of them ever living again. He didn't have the right to.

He should have known. Things come so, so easily to him. His life has been smooth-sailing. Eventually, something would have happened. He should never have gotten complacent.

He can't even bear to look at anyone, save the person he just murdered in cold blood.

Things suddenly give way. The horror at himself, at allowing this to happen.

The thoughts cycle in his mind, and no matter how feebly he tries to grasp at the part of him that says this is not his fault, it is.

All his life, he's been good at following the rules. At being a good Shadowhunter.

But now, he's killed an innocent. A mother.

He can't register anything at all, and there's a strange chill that's taken over his body. He moves on autopilot, even as he rids himself of the blood on his hands and helps to put an end to the demon.

The images remain fresh in his mind as he tries to come to terms with it.

How could he? He can hear Clary's cry of shock, her blame laid on him. Without him, her mother would still be alive. Why had he been there? Why couldn't he have fought it off?

He imagines his own mother, and how he would feel if anyone he knew killed her. The thought makes his fists clench. If Clary wants to kill him, it's not entirely uncalled for.

He resorts to his safe place. He takes to archery on the rooftop of a building, arms following the mechanical motion of taking an arrow, placing it on the drawstring, pull, release.

Jace only makes the agitation and frustration at his uselessness worse, when he attempts at consoling Alec.

Then again, Jace has never been good at consoling anyone.

After he leaves, Alec is suddenly struck with an overwhelming need for physical contact. He needs something to ground him. The only person who will grant him that is Magnus, and his mind focuses on the next thing.

Getting to Magnus' loft.

He vaguely remembers how he gets there, feet moving automatically, trying not to focus on the look of betrayal on Jocelyn's face fresh in his mind.

The door's unlocked, as always, and Alec heads to the balcony. He can't stay inside, the walls seeming to close in on him.

Magnus should be back soon. He can wait.

He wonders if he's allowed to have this, so soon after he's killed someone else. Is he?

He tries to stop all the doubt swimming in his mind, tries to silence his thoughts. He's somewhat successful, all until he hears a rustling behind him and an all-too-familiar voice.

"Alexander."

Alec's heart suddenly clenches at that as he turns to face the source of the sound.

His breathing speeds up, but he stands rooted to the spot, unable to make a sound all of a sudden.

There are suddenly all these words welling up in him, stuck in his throat, and he can't decide on what he wants to say first. How to put those words into actual sentences.

He tries, but where does he start? The words won't come to him, and he can feel the panic rising up in his chest.

Magnus is waiting for him to speak, and Alec knows that expectation for him to say something there. He knows, and yet he can't decide on how to make his thoughts more concrete, make it such that Magnus understands what he's going through.

He's grasping at straws, and it's just– he doesn't want to talk, but there's so much to say, and—

  
It's a gentle hug, arms around his back, a head on his shoulder, and Alec automatically places his hands around the warm body now against his own. Alec takes long, deep breaths, burrowing his head in the crook of Magnus' neck, taking in his unique scent.

  
The panic is taking shape now, the numbness from before suddenly more intense. Yes, he knows what just happened, but it suddenly seems more concrete. More real.

  
He can feel the hot tears welling in his eyes, and he doesn't want this, doesn't want to show his vulnerable side, but he can't control it. The tears fall, and he tries his best to keep his breath steady, hugging Magnus closer to him so Magnus can't tell that he's falling apart.

  
He knows he isn't kidding anyone, because Magnus can surely feel the warm, damp spots that are forming on his shoulder.

  
"It's not your fault."

  
That's what breaks him completely, and his breath hitches. He can't even continue to pretend anymore, and he can only whimper quietly and as he tries to rein himself in.

  
Nothing works, but Magnus doesn't say anything else and pats him on the back slowly, gently, touches his hair, murmurs words into Alec's ear that he's only half-listening to. It only makes the tears fall quicker, and Alec can only clutch at Magnus' shoulders desperately.

  
It's the only thing he can hold on to, because there is nothing for him.

  
He doesn't want to admit it, but he's weak.

  
"Darling." The endearment is usually warm, bringing a blush to his cheeks at times, but for some reason, it's making him think of how inadequate he is in so many areas. He doesn't think about them, for good reason, because he will only be tied down, but he knows they exist. He doesn't want to touch them.

  
Alec hangs on for dear life, but at some point, maybe a minute, an hour later, Magnus tries to pull away, and Alec's terrified.

  
It's at this point that he realises this might not have been what Magnus signed up for when he tried to get together with Alec, and he quickly lets go, looking away as he attempts to dry his tears as discreetly as possible.

  
Magnus immediately grabs Alec's arms tightly, preventing him from pulling away, and quietly says, "Let's move to the couch, alright?"

  
Alec lets himself be led away from the cool breeze of the night and into the living room, onto the couch. He's managed to dry his tears, which is a good thing, but he can't stand looking at Magnus when he knows what exactly he's done. It feels like he's done Magnus wrong. Done everything wrong. Done everyone wrong.

  
"Darling," Magnus tries again, after pulling Alec down onto the couch, holding Alec's hand tightly. "It wasn't your fault, okay? You weren't in control. You had no part in this."

  
"But that's the problem, okay? It was my body." Alec chokes out immediately, trying to make Magnus understand. "I could have guarded my mind better, or even tried to find the demon faster. I— I let it get into me. If I'd just—"

  
"You can't blame yourself for this," Magnus interrupts. "Did you want this?"

  
"No." Alec's voice is hesitant, small.

  
"Did you plan for this? Did you get enjoyment when you saw Jocelyn dead in front of you? Did you like it?"

  
"No."

  
"Have you ever thought of killing another Shadowhunter?"

  
"No."

  
"Then you aren't at fault. You aren't to be blamed. Do you hear me, Alexander?" It's only then that Alec tries to meet Magnus' eyes, knowing he looks a mess.

  
"I'm sorry," he can only say quietly. He doesn't even know what he's apologising for, or why to Magnus. It should be to Clary, but she's definitely not going to be willing to see him in the near future.

  
Magnus closes in for a quick press of lips, the slight bit of comfort Alec lets himself revel in. Is he allowed to do this? When he's ruined someone else's life?

  
Magnus draws him into another hug, and Alec tries to reason with himself. Magnus has lived for hundreds of years, right? Magnus should be correct. He tries to convince himself as best as he can.

  
Magnus somehow seems to know just what Alec needs, and Alec tries to remind himself that he never wanted any of this to happen. It seems to work, as Magnus gives him reassuring touches throughout the night, and he tries to makes himself believe that he is not be blamed.

  
It's hard, but he feels a lot better come morning, despite the guilt lingering in his mind.

  
x

  
He never expected this.

  
The blaming, the hatred— Alec is more than aware of it, because he's done that so many times himself after that particular incident.

  
The event is not as raw as before and is no longer an open wound, per say, but it is still very much present.

  
It doesn't help when Clary starts saying things— things he hears time after time, nagging at him, a brief reminder of how he'd royally screwed up.

  
He doesn't want to admit it, but he's entertained the notion of suicide, but quickly shoved that to the back of his mind once he could. He knows it does no good to dwell on this matter.

  
The guilt suddenly becomes overwhelming, though, as Clary bombards him with how it's all his fault, this shouldn't have happened— he'd thought he was stronger than this, but it's just, too much—and all of a sudden, he can't stand it. To live with someone's life, relationships, all finished by his hand— it claws him up from the inside, weighs on his conscience in a way he cannot hold out against.

  
It might be easier to end it all, to make up for it with a life he does not deserve to live when he has ended someone else's, an eye for an eye, and he falls back, finally at peace with his decision—

  
He eventually comes to, to the sight of everyone apologising to each other, a wild chatter as Magnus watches on from afar.

  
Alec keeps his eye on Magnus as he searches for the source that resulted in this whole fiasco, a mantra within that Clary does not blame him, Clary. Does not. Blame him.

  
They sort everything out, even though Magnus' spellbook is now in Valentine's possession. There are promises to plan on how to deal with the situation later, but for now, everyone files out.

  
Alec stays, sitting back on the comfy couch. "Well, that was fun."

  
Magnus heads to get more drinks, which is no surprise, and he rounds the corner to seat himself beside Alec.

The silence that follows is comfortable.

  
Comfortable, up till Magnus suddenly speaks up, "I didn't know it was still on your mind."

  
"It's not something to get over," Alec responds, tries to get his bearings. "Sometimes I wake up thinking I don't deserve to be here while she's dead. About how I was the one who robbed her of her life, when that's the most important thing we have alive."

  
He doesn't like talking about this, but it's necessary. "I know it's not my fault, in a way. But I can't not take any responsibility at all."

  
He lets Magnus pass him a drink.

  
"Just think of it this way. You're alive. She's not. It would do her disservice not to live your life to the utmost. Be the best Shadowhunter there could be. Be someone helpful to Clary. Nothing will be enough to make up for it, but you can at least try to make amends." Magnus says this all in one breath.

  
"Whatever it is, if you ever wake up needing someone, just tell me. I'll be there."

  
Alec seldom seeks out body contact, but he suddenly feels the need to as he stiffly positions his arms around Magnus, and pulls him close.

  
"I know that."  


He knows, but sometimes Alec begins to doubt himself. He wonders if he's allowed to have this, and he knows something will have changed in him, but Magnus is here to stay. If anything, he can trust Magnus to stop him if he does anything out of line, to pull him together if he begins to crumble and that things will be okay, but only if he lets himself believe so.  


End file.
